If people gave car advice like they gave dating advice

Me: my car won’t start

Person 1: That’s because your dashboard is dusty. I used to be like you: dusty dashboard made me afraid to go over 25.

Person 2: Gotta deflate your tires or else you’ll keep hitting trees.

Person 3: It’s so hard to keep your speed under 80! Sometimes it’s enough to make you not want to drive at all.

Pick-up artist: Buy these air fresheners and you are guaranteed an average speed of 900 mph or it’s your fault. Only 16 easy payments of $8999.99!

Incel: 80% of cars are manufactured with a warped chassis & won’t start because they aren’t red enough. Your car will never start, and if it started in the past, you are a bad person.

Romantic: Garages, repair manuals, and screwdrivers are bad because they distance us from the transcendent experience of banging your forehead against the engine block until your oil’s changed.

Person 4: Just use a taxi service, all the time, for everything. Taxis are exactly the same as car ownership, and will always be available.

Person 5: Your car won’t start because taxis exist, and also because people like you keep on reading Motor Trend and watching Top Gear.

Person 6: I’m walking away from car ownership and riding bicycles instead. If I see a car I’ll slash its tires.

Person 7: Your car won’t start because only Model T Fords are morally correct, and God is punishing you for not driving an original unrestored Model T.

Person 8: Your car won’t start because these days too many people take out two year leases.

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